Don't Panic

Well,

It's officially been months since I've had a panic attack
or had to pop a litte white pill to get through the day.
This is a good thing. Songs have been flowing forth like water
from a spring I was worried was about to dry up. Many things are brewing
live shows, music videos, multiple albums, christmas songs (yes, I know it's early)
so stay tuned.

Lotsa Love

R

The Delicate Butterfly

It is odd for me to think of myself as delicate or fragile, a butterfly that so easily can be squashed by a careless foot or hand. Alas, it is lately how I feel. Last week, after months of doing very well, I found myself once again rushing to see the doctor, thinking I was having a heart attack. They again did an EKG and again told me my vital signs were normal and that I am suffering from panic disorder. The only solution they have for something like that of course is pills...the kind that make you feel like you're walking underwater with a skull full of jello. I have been trying to live in the now and not imagine a vast array of tragic future scenarios that send my mind racing in circles and my heart pounding out of my chest. It is not easy for me. I think I need to be reprogrammed, taken into a room where some very congenial lady in a white coat can show me pictures of smiling people and kittens and sunshine and pumpkin patches and infuse my brain with the imagery it needs to relax and just be ok with everything.
Perhaps it's time for me to finally have that lobotamy I've been saving up for. Perhaps they can reach into my head and scoop out the parts that have me on tip toes balancing on pins and needles like a circus animal, gritting my teeth with every breath.
perhaps...

Panic at the Disco

Ok, so this title isn't exactly the best to describe this post but it will have to do. This has nothing to do with disco. It has nothing to do with the band Panic at the Disco whose music I don't know, though I'm sure it's totally awesome and stuff.

Yesterday I had a panic attack, the third bad one in three weeks. The first attack happened on a crowded train. I ended up getting out of the train 4 stations before my stop because I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I climbed up the subway steps and suddenly I could breathe, so I waited for another train to come thinking I was ok. A train pulled into the station packed full of people. When I looked at the crowded train, suddenly it started again. Just thinking of being on the train took my breath away. I ended up walking home after calling Konstantine completely freaking out. He met me and walked with me.

I used to think panic attacks were something people made up, a sort of fake disorder used to get drugs from a doctor or draw attention to ones self. I now know that they are a very real very scary thing. Yesterday, I truly could not breath. It felt like I was going to die. My fingers started to go numb and tingling. I ended up in a clinic hooked up to an EKG, had my blood pressure checked twice, my breathing listened to via stethoscope back and front multiple times, had three viles of blood drawn, etc. My EKG was normal though my heart rate was a bit fast. My hands were shaking. My blood pressure was high. My temperature was normal. The doctor told me that I am having panic attacks and prescribed anti anxiety medication. I started to have another panic attack this morning but was able to calm myself down and stop it from getting as bad as yesterday. I played happy music in my head and focused on the music. My throat and begun to tighten and I was getting to a place where it was hard to breathe, but I just focused on the music and let it be the only thing that existed. My hands were shaking, but I kept my focus on the music and it brought me back. I refuse to let this take hold of me and turn me into an agoraphobic who can't leave the house or deal with crowds. It seems that most of the attacks have happened on crowded trains, in crowded grocery stores, etc. I am going to try my best to get to a place of calm and relaxation. Knock on Wood, this too shall pass.

I just have to tell myself Don't Panic