The path diverges

For a long time we walked together

at times you carried me

at times I carried you

at times we leaned on each other to keep our collective balance, you see

somewhere along the way though your grip began to tighten

I notice the bruises on my arm

How long have those been there?

It hurts I say to myself but those bruises are just the proof of how much you need me

I must be there for you despite the hurt, despite the marks accumulating on my body

a tiny cut, this littlest prick of thorns, my body scraped against the brambles to help

you keep your balance

step my step death by a thousand paper cuts I once heard them say

I cry out, I am bleeding

"oh I know" you say,

"I feel the same way" you say

your feelings are my feelings

nothing is yours

it is all an extension of me

there is only me

no thee

no we

me

me

me

smaller and smaller I shrink

I shrink to fit the spaces you allow me to occupy

I stand two inches tall on the ground so close to your shoe

"that size will do"

I live on your crumbs

strategically thrown to keep me alive when I'm just about to die

shrinking to nothing

walking gingerly in the way you have taught me

avoiding your disapproval 

We come to a place in our journey where the path splits

I must walk in my own direction

and you must walk in yours

for I am two inches tall and the space you have allowed

for me is only one inch tall

it is an impossibility of physics

and I cannot shrink myself down

so small

my current hunger requires more than crumbs and living under your thumb

I wish you well 

Uninvited Friend Request

The cold clawed hand or your corpse reaches
across the binary sphere and scratches at my wounds
not yet healed

I did my best to bury you well, but you have no respect for death
much like you have no respect for life
for my esistence even


Your sickness palpable and rotting from the inside.
You offer only ill wishes and uninvited armchair psychiatric diagnosis
which mirror your own maladies.
You brand me sexist, narcissist; monikers that are more suited for your wearing
You scream for me to get out of my own home
as though you own everything
as though all revolves around your twisted gravitational pull

I have a lunch to reheat in a microwave
I'd rather choke on nutritionally degraded leftovers
than accept your uninvited friend request

Tending Your Inner Garden

If you find yourself embroiled in a "friendship" with a narcissist rest assured that after they explode on you in a fit of narcissistic rage that they will need to have the last word.

I have always had a bit of a hard time with harsh words.  I tend to reread vitriolic emails, play on repeat in my head hateful things said to me, repeatedly swallowing the poison that others feed to me.

A recent encounter with a true narcissist made me realize something; I don't want that sort of negativity floating around inside me. I managed to set filters on my email to redirect hateful correspondence and then to delete it without reading it.  Perhaps this is a victory for my growth.

I no longer swallow the poison fed to my lips by those who care not about my mental well being and nor should anyone.

Some people will always need the last word, will always need to twist the knife they've stabbed into your gut.  You deserve better.  Boundaries are a beautiful thing.  There is so much talk about self care of late, but I don't think we talk enough about self protection, of establishing boundaries and respecting our minds as sacred spaces.

For those who trample upon the roses in your inner garden, it is perfectly reasonable to close the garden gate and latch it shut.  Best not disturb your inner peace with unnecessary negativity. Focus on planting things of beauty in the depth of your inner sanctum, water them and watch them grow.  Plant them near the borders to block out the site of hatefulness.  Something beautiful will bloom over time and obscure any unsightly views lurking on the border of your inner garden.

DIGITAL NOISE

I recently found myself in a bit of an emotional slump, the kind of depressions that covers you like a chunky sweater with no buttons, ill-fitting, all-encompassing and impossible to shake off.  ...the kind of sweater you want to fill with rocks and march down to the river with Virginia-Wolf-like determination

I was driving along and a song on the radio touched exactly what I was feeling with razor-sharp precision.

I realized that being captivated by this song was not enough for me.  I had the desire to share it on social media, to have my love of this song validated.  I waited patiently for someone to like it, to give their stamp of approval for my opinion, to give me a much-needed shot of serotonin.

Social media tragedy struck like a punch in the gut when the only "like" I received was from my husband, the man who thinks I look sexy when I'm at my worst and affirms me constantly.  Well, that just wouldn't do, that opinion is always an instant win.  My hunger for validation could obviously not be fed by such an easy win.  Feeling the churning in my stomach, aching for validation, I stepped back from the digital noise and in the silence, I saw myself from outside my body.  Why couldn't I just enjoy this song?  Why did I need someone else to validate my opinion with a like, a love, a comment?  

Is this constant need for a shot of dopamine healthy or is it a universal sickness?  Am I more connected by having more Facebook friends or Instagram followers?  If I eat a bagel in the forest and don't take a selfie, did it really happen? These are the questions that swirl around me as a swim through the digital noise looking for a formerly held so easily worn equilibrium. 

Are we all sedated and disconnected and being led like lambs to the slaughter as the proverbial foxes hold the keys to the henhouse, taking pictures of our food and sharing memes while the world burns around us? These are the questions that haunt me.  ...Perhaps the source of my depression.

Today as I listen to the excellent and sonically pleasing new record from Björk, I find my heart open and raw, fresh from a third uncomfortable conversation with my mother. The last conversation ending with her walking away from the phone wailing in absolute pain. It breaks my heart, the situation, two people who love each other unable to get past their defenses, unable to speak the same language, neither intending pain.  Each attempt it seems to speak drives us farther apart.

I admire my mother, her strength, her kindness, her gentle heart. I only wish she could hear me, truly hear me. I only wish she could see me, truly see me. After almost a month of not speaking I find myself back at a place where I feel we cannot speak. It saddens me to my core. I wish her peace in her heart as I wish the same for my self. Can we look eye to eye without defenses and speak? I don't know the answer. It has never been possible and perhaps a desire for something real beyond empty conversations about the weather are all there is for us to share. Is that enough? Is it enough to just know someone loves you but does not respect your life, your love, who you really are? Is it enough to be loved partially by a parent who should love you fully?

I think of my friends who have lost parents. Do I take what I have for granted by trying to make its broken parts work? Should I just be happy for what I have, however dysfunctional it is? Do I just accept that it will never be something that equals what I want the relationship to be? These are the questions that turn inside of me. I am human and I feel pain. She is human and she feels pain. We love each other and yet we hurt each other.

Things have come and gone in 2014. The people who matter have remained. Here's to 2015, a special year because we are here and alive and living it. It's really incredible and implausible. Let's cherish the gems, discard the garbage and trudge forward into this glorious year, because we really deserve every bit of goodness it has to offer. Bite into that lotus.

Moneyless Music - NPR

Our "friends" over at NPR have made 10 songs available for free download. Head on over and get you some free music. It's worth it just for tUnE-yArDs' Water Fountain Heavy Rotation: 10 Songs Public Radio Can't Stop Playing

Sunrise at the Speakeasy - Track List

1. Flapjacks
2. Mama Don't Like No Chocolate
3. Throw That Box
4. Glitters and Sparkles
5. Unplug
6. Mr. Carpentier
7. Life Was Simple
8. Chickens and Eggs
9. Duct Tape and Super Glue
10. Ashes and Dust

Well this week I send off final notes for some minor changes to the mastered 2nd album.
Next up is photos and artwork.  Soon I will have an actual release date to share with you.
Yay!

Moneyless Music - NIN

Ever since my days as an angsty teen, I have found the music of Nine Inch Nails to be a cathartic outlet for living vicariously through the screams of another. Trent Reznor just dripped sex from a broken emotional landscape devoid of any hope for repose. His emotional wasteland mirrored my own and made me feel just a little less alone.  Much time as passed and many wounds have healed but I still find the music of Mister Reznor to be a comforting little window out of which I can stick my head and scream.

The new album is called 'Hesitation marks' and it is streaming now for free on iTunes (US) , Deezer (Canada) and The Guardian (everywhere else).

Moneyless Music + Diversions Double Feature The Joanna Newsom edition

I adore Joanna Newsom. Seriously I do. The coordination required to flawlessly play the harp is its own award-worthy talent. Couple that with the ability to simultaneously sound like some sort of old appellation woman shouting jibberish on her front porch while pa whittles squirrel shaped wooden figurines and I'm sold. Sign me up.

I recently stumbled upon a live performance of Have one on me from the Austin City Limits series.  The title track from Joanna's ambitious triple album is by far my favorite offering on that 2010 release.  We own this on vinyl and just a side-note the packaging is stunning featuring these timeless stylized black and white photos of Joanna.

Here is the Austin City Limits performance.



As the title suggests, there is some free music if you feel so inclined to reward yourself with free music.  I stumbled upon a cover of Joanna's The Book of Right-On, done by Joel Cathey which is available for free download on his BandCamp Page.  Have one on me or rather on him.  You're welcome. ;)



If you haven't heard the original, here she is for reference.

July 21st 2012

On July 21st at 8pm in NYC I will be performing
The Ocean & The Easel Part 1: The Ocean

This is an original concept album that I have been working
on for a bit now. The songs have never been performed together
in their entirety and this is a one time performance which will
combine visual elements of video, lighting and costume along
with the music and guest performers. I am very excited to
share this with you all.

More details to come soon.

XO

R

A Lost Mind

Where does one go to find a lost mind full of lost time and lost words? Do you lift up the sofa cushions and dig through the loose change, wads of paper and bits of random crap? Is there a cardboard box at the police station or the post office tattooed with black sharpie?

This thought or rather this question rattles around in my empty head echoing and reverberating against the sides of my skull.

With most lost things they (who is they?) tell you to retrace your steps. Where did you last see your mind? Where might you have left it, dear? I trace backwards to my husband being taken from me and banned from the country, my wedding, being hit by a car, panic attacks unable to find my breath, my father's accident, deaths, births, the loss of my best friend, the loss of my self-confidence. All of this is painted with the brush of sleepless nights, of worry, of self-doubt and of deep joy and deep loss, deep depression and paralysis.

Somewhere along the line, the circuitry got fried and the mind escaped to save itself, jumped overboard to try its luck with the sharks and Portuguese man o' wars. The search party was too exhausted to look for long and the mind washed up on some distant shore, but alas, we shall find it and stuff it back. It wasn't too much of a loss as no one seemed to really notice it was gone.

I am working on the last two songs in my Eat My Shorts series. The current one is aptly named Crazy. coming soon.

1/19/12 Set List at Bar 4

Last night I had a totally awesome show at Bar 4 in Park Slope Brooklyn.
Thank you to everyone who made the night so very special.

The set list was as follows

(Kalimba)
1. Louise (unreleased/O&E1)
2. The Bottle (unreleased/O&E1)

(piano)
3. Sally (unreleased/O&E1)
4. Narcissus Sea (unreleased/O&E1)
5. The Seaman's Wharf * (unreleased/O&E1)

(a capella)
6. Flapjacks (unreleased/SRATS)

(guitar)
7. Lemon Scented (S.O.B.)
8. Follow Me Home (S.O.B.)
9. Sirens of Brooklyn (S.O.B.)
10. Mr. Carpentier (unplug single/SRATS)
11. Fishnet Sailor (S.O.B.)
12. Before You Go (S.O.B.)
13. Banana Leaves (unreleased/O&E1)

*=premiere/first time performed live
S.O.B = from the album Sirens of Brooklyn
SRATS = from the unreleased album Sunrise at the Speakeasy (coming 2012)
O&E1 = from The Ocean & The Easel (part 1)
unplug = unplug single

Moneyless Music: White Xmas/Xmas Bells

Free Download!

Last year, I recorded two songs in my home studio for the lovely Wanda Wisdom's Christmas Special.

The tracks were written, recorded and mixed over the course of only a couple days.
If i remember correctly, her instructions were to give her something that was somewhere
between Burl Ives and John Waters. I'd like to think I succeeded.
These short ditties are downright filthy, so parental advisory kiddies.

Xmas Bells/White Xmas by robertgermanmusic

2012 - A Musical Odyssey a.k.a. my last year in the USA

...Coming Soon.

A Rant from the Past

Occasionally I stumble upon an article that reminds me of something I posted years ago. So, today I present two articles.


The Cellphone is the New Cigarette - The Rant 2006

&

Technology is the New Smoking - TechCrunch 2011

sort of but not quite a new year's resolution

So, I don't really do new year's resolutions, but this year I am going to try to commit to a few things. This may be a bit ambitious, so don't flog me if I fail on some account.

1. Release of Sunrise at the Speakeasy in 2012 (finally)

2. Finish studio recordings of the following unreleased songs:

The Ocean & The Easel Part 1 :The Ocean

-Wash Away
-Sally
-Banana Leaves
-The Seaman's Wharf
-Fishes & Birds
-Chicken of the Sea (taste like chicken)
-Mister Octopus (yes, that is the title)
-Portuguese Man of War
-The Bottle
-The Siren
-The Ocean & The Easel

The Ocean & The Easel Part 2: The Easel
-Digitized
-Western Front
-Daddy
-Cherry Falls
-600 Miles
-Pretty Decent Guy
-After the Apocalypse
-God in The Telephone Book
-Single File
-Down So Low
-Big from Down Here/Sirens of Brooklyn (ballad version)
-The Famine & The Flood
-Act Like a Girl

3. Move to Canada.

There you have it.

Lotsa Love

R

Things I didn't say It's probably for the best The gimpy edition

I was weighed down carrying two bags this morning and was diverted into a small pathway due to a construction area. I passed a woman and she turned around and started screaming at me.

"What's the matter with you? You can't walk in a straight line?"

5 years ago I had an accident and consequently I walk with a slight limp. It's not something I often talk about. It doesn't so much make me feel deformed or less able, however it is more promounced with I carry bags or heavy awkward things.
In this situation I chose to keep walking as though I didn't hear the woman.

A tiny voice in my head however screemed "I was in an accident and walk with a fucking limp. What's your excuse for being a nasty cunt?"

please pardon the foul language of the little voice in my head most especially its use of the "c" word. I mean no disrespect to women by its usage here. I know how distasteful it is and thus, it's probably for the best that the little voice remained in my head, though now it's had its say on my blog as well.

Sigh.

NPR: First Listen Tori Amos - Night of Hunters

I haven't had a chance to listen to this yet, but I thought I'd post now and give opinions later. The new Tori Amos album Night of Hunters is now streaming on NPRs website. Go forth and listen!

NPR - First Listen: St. Vincent

NPR has really been doing a great job of making me happy by streaming the albums
of some of my favorite musicians before the release dates. Being a child who couldn't
resist shaking the presents before Christmas Day, this is something with makes me exceedingly happy.

You can have a listen to St. Vincent's Strange Mercy in its entirety over on NPR's
website.

Enjoy! The album is scheduled for a September 13th release date.