You can stand under my umbrella

It's April in New York. In fact, it's April everywhere, well unless you live an an alternate dimension, but then again according the the show sliders, time is consistent in parallel dimensions so it would only not be April if the residents of said alternate dimension have developed a different calendar, which is totally plausable.
I digress.

The heavens have opened their floodgates pouring forth the nourishing showers that wash away the smell of urine and give life to spring flowers. An unfortunate consequence of this soppy month, other than rainsoaked uggs that smell like wet dog is the emergence of the super umbrella. Please see image above.

The super umbrella is the most selfish act of hatred perpetrated against the citizens of a city where space is limited and highly valued. These sociopaths have taken it on themselves to carry a personal tent that will knock you into the gutter and stab you in the eye as they open it coming up the subway stairs. You could fit a three ring circus with syncronized dancing baby seals under these damn things. I respect a person's right and need to stay dry during inclimate weather, but seriously, you people who assault innocent pedestrians with your barnum and baily brellas need to get up out of my grill, cuz I do have a dull nail file, and I will cut you. I kid, of course. I don't promote or condone violence toward assholes.

On another note, I'm pleased to announce that after months of searching for the perfect avacado, I have struck gold. Frequent trips to the produce section had proved to be unfruitful with avocados ranging from hard as a rock to soft as a sponge with little inbetween. I had become convinced that there was an army of mexicans who took all the edible avocados out of the stores at 4 am while I was sleeping. I however, am ok with this. Their need for good Avocados far outweighs mine and there are times when you have to suck it up for the greater good. Please note, not all mexicans eat avocados, in fact there may be some of our friends from south of the border who like bratwurst and KasseKuchen. This comment on avocados in no way should be taken as a blanket statement about Mexicans.

I do not condone or promote violence over avocados. I did however once fight a woman for a free ham at the local pathmark. She was black, I mean african american, actually she could have been jamaican, but I would have fought her for the ham if she were chinese or white. Actually, if she were chinese and old, I might have let her take the ham. I have a softspot in my heart for older asian women after reading Joy Luck Club. This should not be taken as a blanket statement about old asian women. Some are sweet as pie and some will claw your eyes out over a ham. Sometimes you have to make a judgement call, weighing your need for the prize ham against the need to keep your eyes. I won the hamfight, btw, and I've never had a ham that tasted so good.

***Disclaimer: The above post is in no way intented to disparage, degrade or otherwise stereotype any mentioned racial groups. I strongly believe in equality and respect for all people regardless of age, sex, race, sexual orientation, religion, lack of religion, and despite questionable fashion choices. I think laughter is the best medicine but should not come at the cost of hurting others. If you have found this article in any way, offensive, please let me know. I will enlist my half greek boyfriend in our predominantly carribean neighborhood to alter this posting in a way that will remove any offensive material***