Every year, without exception, Valentine's Day leaves me feeling lonely, underappreciated and unwanted. Yes, I know it may seem a bit overly dramatic, but it is true. These feeling are compounded by thoughts that I am pathetic for having these feelings at all.
This year I agreed to do two shows that were semi-vday-centric, the day before and the day of Valentine's Day.
There is something about rushing from place to place by yourself lugging guitars and equipment that starts to lose its romanticism after a while. I love to perform. I love to create music and art, but I also find myself at times feeling as though I am constantly walking up a hill with the wind against my chest. Yesterday, The wind was brutally cold and literally blowing my guitar like a sail on a boat bringing a palpable truth to these feelings. This hill does not allow one to rest. There is no top and cheerleaders are few and far between.
My new least favorite thing is performing in a space that was not originally designed for performance and having the one song I'm performing act as a sound check for itself. I don't need a dressing room with champagne and all the red M&M's removed for me, but I must start setting some boundaries from this point forward. It is a learning process or as some have worded it
'paying your dues.'
After last night's performance I was duped by two guys on the corner into believing that Michael Jackson had died from food poisoning, reminding me that no matter how long I've lived in New York, I am a midwesterner by heart and extremely gullable. The punchline of this joke was that Michael had died from eating a can of 12 year old nuts. Yes, I know, it's a sad sad joke.
I got a seat on the train and was on the verge of tears. I reached into my pocket to pull out my big bubble headphones so I could put myself into a Joni Mitchell sadness coma, but instead managed to empty the contents of my pockets all over the ground in the train. A group of lovely stranges all had things to say to me, like
"Looks like you need to pull yourself together."
..or..
"You dropped something"...of course that something was so far under the seat on the floor of the subway that I couldn't reach it and really didn't want to ever have to touch it again with the knowledge of where it had been. I imagine they all thought me to be drunk, but I was painfully sober.
I pressed my head against my guitar case and began to cry.
A case of you, it's such a beautiful song.
1 comment:
Hey there darling, I am sorry you had such a shitty VD. I hate the holiday myself, never have gotten into it. But I wanted you to know something. I think you are a strong, brave, and powerful man. You have the courage to go out in this world and do something the most people only dream about. I know it gets hard at times, and like you said you must set some boundaries for yourself. But never let yourself get discouraged from following the path of your dreams. Take each item in this life as a lesson, either to teach someone or to learn from yourself. When you start to feel like you are falling do not look at it as though the ground is giving way. Look at the stones and pebbles as a platform that provides you with a place to stand. Everything in your life defines who you are, and who you will become. If you let yourself get swept up in the miserys of this life then they will consume you as a whole. But if you look at them, assess them, and let them make you stronger then you have something that most people will never find in this life. The ability to rise above the bad, embrass it, and let it effect you in a positive light. You will find the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but only when you are ready. And by ready I mean not looking for it, becoming happy as a single man, and accepting that you don't need someone there to make you happy. When you stop trying to find something you realize that it might have always been just where it was (sounds kinda cryptic but I am sure you understand). So go out in this bright wonderful world, continue to make your music, continue to be adorable, and be yourself...but most of all, be happy with yourself.
~Fistick Arospa~
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