Thursday, December 18, 2008

Quote of the Day

"You haven't seen or heard the last of me. This isn't over. NO! Stop! That's my pencil sharpener! Take your hands off me. What are you doing?"

Chester Devonshire III.
Former Entertainment Correspondent for The Rant

Saying Goodbye to Chester

Everyone, it is with great sadness that I announce the departure of Chester Devonshire, The Rant's long time enertainment correspondent. Due to the tightening of our budget and economic forces beyond our control, we have been forced to let him go.
We wish Chester nothing but the best, a week before Christmas as he joins the masses of displaced workers crowding the doors of the local unemployment office. The sound of him nibbling away at his latest article will truly be missed by all of us here at the rant.

Blueberries or Botox?

These are the really important questions we have to ask ourselves as we age.
As a society we find ourselves constantly bombarded with images of the unattainable ideal of perfection. Every photo is meticulously airbrushed, every blemish and crow's foot miraculously erased. This used to be the case only for women, but men have found themselves standing at a cosmetic crossroad. We can thank marketing and advertising for this, but ultimately I blame the homos. I hate to pile more blame on the plates of a group who are constantly accused of being the cause of hurricanes, terrorist acts, and single-handedly unraveling the moral fiber of society. Oh and of course destroying the sanctity of marriage and ruining the once perfect American family.

Thanks homos. Thanks a lot. You needed hot airbrushed muscular tan asses for your brochure promoting South beach and now we have to choose between injection botulism into our faces or having our skin stretched so tight we look like Chinese alien babies (see Michael Jackson)

Anyway, I digress.
If you happen to find yourself a little older today, perhaps feeling as worn out as a hooker in Tijuana after a marathon donkey show, then there is hope for you. There's no need to cover your sagging bag of bones in a full-body gauze tent. You just need to eat some blueberries and it will all be better.
Here's a link to a WebMD article about aging gracefully....
Bye Bye Botox and hello Blueberries

If we had a big budget..

We would have hired Willard Scott to do a weather report that would probably read something like the biblical book of revelations. You know, the one with locusts and the moon turning to blood and the sea boiling. It afterall is snowing in Las Vegas and Malibu and it was almost 70 degrees in New York this week. After Willard finished his weather report, we would have him give a shout-out to those people who are 127 years old and crusty, hanging on for dear life on a wing and a prayer while they gum their tapioca, and he'd say something like this.

"Today Jason Swanson in Brooklyn New York is 30 years young. He still gets around without a cane and manages to eat solid food. He likes to drink wine and smoke menthol cigarettes, which is the secret to his astounding longevity. Here's wishing Jason many more years with his original teeth and hips"

But since we don't have a big budget, we couldn't get Willard Scott. We can always dream.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Quote of the day

"Sadness is just happiness for deep people"

-Sally Sparrow
(Doctor Who, the new series: Season 3, Episode: "Blink")

Typhoid Mary would like to retract her statement

Last week, after a meal of Empanada's at the newly opened location for Empanada Joe's on 22nd street, I became very ill with what I thought for sure was food poisoning. I have discovered over the course of the last few days as those around me have fallen ill , condemned to a similar fate of toilet hugging, that I was too quick to conclude food poisoning to be the source of my harrowing experience.

It is rare that I remove a post from this blog. However, in this case, I feel it is necessary to prevent any unfair criticism of Empanada Joes. I afterall did enjoy the food that I had there and it was reasonably priced. It is important to be able to admit when one has made a mistake, and in this case I have concluded that I was wrong.
I whole heartedly apologize to the folks over at Empanada Joes and wish them all the best with their new location.

That being said, Please everyone be aware that there is a highly contagious virus that can be spread with very little physical contact. (see here) I rode the train with poor Carrie Thomas on Thursday and on Friday night, she found herself bowing to the porcelain god.

On Saturday evening, Konstantine also fell to his knees and bowed his head in the confessional known as Jason and Simon's bathroom.

I sign this post typhoid Mary, admittedly wrong...but ultimately just happy to eat solid food again.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Solid Food=A beautiful thing

Slowly I am venturing back to solid food.
Tentatively I can say that it is a good thing.
I'm such a foodie. I love to cook, to eat.
I may not have empanadas for a long time but I plan on relishing this weekend in the splendors of solid food once again.

Ricky...Thank you for the kind wishes. They seem to have worked. :)

Monday, December 01, 2008

Duct Tape Version 2.0

I recently "finished" a demo for a song called duct tape and superglue. Actually a few people seperately said that this is a song they could hear in a movie soundtrack. It's an interesting thing to hear about a song. I've never thought "soundtrack" for my path to "success." oh and I really love using quotation marks today. Picture me making them with my fingers while raising my eyebrows.

Anyway, The thing is. The song has felt a bit sluggish to me...and a bit long. Despite hours of work, I made the decision to rerecord the song at 7 beats per minute faster. Actually at 6.001 bpm's faster. I know this is an oddly precise and illogical increase in tempo. who increases the speed of something by .001? Apparently, I do.

Yesterday I finished rerecording the lead vocal and I have to say that I am glad I decided to tackle redoing this track. It is going quickly and smoothly and soon to be done. I can't wait to share this song. It is truly a piece of my heart. appropriate to the title I took a few of the elements from the original version and taped them and glued them to this new version.

Duct Tape 2.0 or maybe it is version 1.0001

First Things First

As previously mentioned in an earlier posting, I'm absolutely gaga for the music of Patrick Watson. Lately, it is what I have been listening to about 80% of the time I have allowed other people's music to enter my head.

Here is a beutiful example of Patrick as a live performer. This melts me at the core of my soul.

What do you think?

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