Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What's wrong with this picture?


What's wrong with this picture taken of our president at the olympic games in
China?

You've gotta be kidding. ugh.
George Bush never ceased to amaze and embarrass us as a nation.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Sam Ash, a place where customer service goes to die. A.K.A. The Story behind the donkey or The Longest Blog Title Ever

As many of you know I have been building a studio for recording music in my apartment.
I must say that I've come a long way from the demos recorded on minidisc with a radio shack microphone and the sound of a broken smoke detector beeping in the background. K, btw is one of the only people allowed to listen to those recordings.
They reside in the vault, next to the skeletons on the top shelf of my closet.

Talk about B-sides. Lord help you all.

So, as I was saying... I'm building a studio and working on demos.
There is one piece of equipment that I have needed very badly for
sound consistency and quality sake. It is a preamp, in fact the same
one that was used on part of Sirens of Brooklyn and for all the tracks on Sunrise.

After much investigation and saving of money, I decided to suck it up and eat rice for a while as I have to finish this project. It is not a choice, but a necessity. I am being pulled toward my third album and I have to put these songs on the second album before I lose focus.

I stepped into Sam Ash on July 16th in hopes of buying the preamp. It's something they carry on their website but did not have in the store. The salesguy, named Robert, said he could special order it which would take 7-10 days. The guy who helped me ( I use the word help, very loosely and with a heavy smattering of sarcasm) was talking on his cellphone the entire time, further evidence that society is surely crumbling under our feet.

So, I put down a deposit equal to about half my monthly rent and trotted away from the store, eager to receive a call in 7-10 days telling me that the preamp had arrived at Sam Ash.

Day 13(the beginning of the end)


I decided to call my salesguy on day 13 because it's my lucky number and I was eager to get the preamp so that I could work on tracks.
After giving him my order number, i got an unsettling feeling when he began asking me questions like
What did you order? What's your name? What's a phone number where I can call you back. To clarify this was preceeded by awkward stuttering. He said he would call me back in a few minutes. He did not call me back.

Three hours later, I call the store. My sales guy abruptly tells me that there was a mistake with the ordering and my order will be in soon. I ask him what soon means. His answer:7 to 10 days.

I tell him that it's already been 13 days since he told me 7 to 10 days.
He proceeds to yell at me DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A MISTAKE IS?
suddenly every tiny hair on the back of my neck stands at attention like a cat that is about to hiss.

I restrain myself and instead say that yes, I do understand what a mistake is, but I either need the order in the next couple of days or I need to cancel the order and get the preamp somewhere else. He starts yelling again.
OH! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE?! YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

i respond by saying that I'm not going to be yelled at and that I need to speak to his manager.

I explain to the manger what has happened. The manager, named Tony tells me that the order was processed incorrectly and the item was shipped to the wrong store. He tells me that he will call the company that manufactures the preamp and try to get it overnighted at no cost to me. He promises me that I will have the preamp before the end of the week. This is Tuesday, btw. On Thursday, I get a call that goes to voicemail. It is the salesperson, Robert. He leaves a message telling me that the preamp will be in the store tomorrow and that I can come in and get it then.

Day 16(aka an hour of my life is wasted)


I arrived at Sam Ash Friday evening to pick up the preamp, which my saleseguy since my salesguy went out of his way to leave me a message telling me would be in the store.

I arrive at the register with my receipt. I am told by the cashier that I have to pay the balance on the order. I hand the cashier an amount of money equal to two months rent. A woman runs to the back, presumably to retrieve my preamp. She returns and asks me who told me that the item was in the store. I reply that it was my salesperson and that if it's not in the store, we've got a real problem. My skin begins to burn and my blood begins to boil. The manager, tony who promised that it would be in at the end of the week starts going into this thing about how it's a special order and it's hard to tell when it will come in and I ask him why his salesperson told me to come into the store and get it. I tell the manager that I feel like I've been lied to. He argues and says I haven't been lied to. After being unable to get any sort of anwer as to when the item will come into the store, I tell the manager that I want my money back and that I will never shop at Sam Ash again. He says that he understands and they will take care of it. The cashier tries to cancel the order and refund the money. He says he can't do it, that the order is "locked". The manager, named Richard comes over and tries to cancel it and he can't. They tell me that they can't cancel the order or refund my money until the item arrives in the store. At this point, I have been at Sam Ash for an hour. I decide that to prevent me from losing a grip I need to walk away from the store. The manger Richard tells me that the item should come into the store either Saturday or Sunday but at the latest monday. I say ok, whatever and I leave.

I met with Rob Martin, the director of the last music video and Michael (AKA Chic, AKA one of the nurses in the video).
We discussed concepts for 3 possible music videos for the next album. I drank two martinis and ate nachos. It took way too long to shake the irritation of the Sam Ash experience. I decided to relax for the weekend and try not to think about the preamp. Afterall, there are starving children and much more pressing issues in the world than my need for a metal box to fulfill my artistic whims.

(To be continued)
.....and then Day 19

On Monday, I decided to call the store and speak to Tony, the manager who promised the preamp by week's end. I was informed that he had left for 10 days of vacation. That's just great for him. I'm sure he deserves it and I really hope he doesn't get sunburned or stung my jelly fish or trapped in a hotel resort elevator with an extraordinarily smelly man for 10 hours. I kid of course. I do not wish anyone at Sam Ash ill will. I just wish that they had treated me like a valued customer.

There is nothing worse than that feeling where you know that now you have to explain everything that has happened from the beginning to a new person, essentially bringing you back to square one. The lovely thing about Sam Ash is that apparently none of the managers communicate customer issues with one another nor does it seem that they really take responsibility for a customer's issue. They just take off for 10 days vacation and let the chips fall where they may.

So, I tried to speak to the closest thing to a manager who knew what was going on, the guy named Richard. Richard said he would look into the order for me, but kept telling me that he would call me back in 5 minutes or 15 minutes and would never call me back. So I would wait and hour or two hours and call him back, so as to not be an absolute psycho about the whole thing, but seriously. Why do people say they will call in 5 minutes then not call when they know someone is already an upset dissatisfied customer? Richard assured me that the preamp was being couriered from Long Island and would arrive "Today".
I asked if it was being couriered by donkey. He said, perhaps it was. He said he was taking personal responsibility and that when I came to pick up the merchandise, I would be credited at the register for my trouble.

Fast forward to day 20. I call the store 3 hours after they open to speak with Richard. I ask the guy who answers the phone, a gentleman by the name of Alexander, if he could check on my order. He tells me that my preamp has been shipped to a store in Florida. I ask for Richard. I am told that he is off for the day. I ask if there is another manager. I am handed over to the store manager, Bobby. I now have to explain everything again to a new manager. How awesome is that?So, to be fair, Bobby is apparently the only manager at the NYC Sam Ash who has any sort of customer service skills. He not only apologized for everything, but also managed to call me back when he said he would and within an hour of speaking with him, I was told that the preamp was in the store.

I went to pick up the preamp immediately, crossing my fingers on my way. When I got to the store, the cashier grabbed the box and started to put it in the bag, but then decided to ask the other cashier who had been there on Friday if it was indeed the right item. She said that it was then proceeded to tell me that it had arrived on Friday right after I left the store. I asked her why if it had arrived on Friday was it being couriered from Long Island on Monday. I then asked the cashier about the credit to my order, which Richard had promised. Of course, He had no knowledge of it. He said I'd have to speak with Richard, but Richard wasn't here. I internally said Fuck it, grabbed my merchandise and walked out of the store.

And this my dear readers is why, after years of spending way too much money at Sam Ash in New York, I will never shop there again. They have the absolute worst customer service I think I've ever encountered. It seems to be a growing trend that customers are no longer valued or treated like people. Sam Ash is the latest victim of this trend.

On a happier lighter note, I'll let you know my feelings about the preamp shortly? Was it worth it? haha. God, I hope so.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The donkey uncovered

Sometimes a joke is so inside that
you need a proctologist to dig to the bottom of it.

Many of you may have been scratching your pretty little heads, wondering what's up with this whole search for the donkey. I was waiting for the right time to tell you. Well, rather, I was waiting for the donkey to be found. Now that the donkey has found its way to New York, I will share with you my tale of whoa, but first I will make you wait.
(cue suspenseful music)

Coming soon.... The story behind the donkey.

This Just In: Confirmed Sighting of Donkey In Southern Florida




Our correspondent, Alexander, who is on the ground in Florida has just authenticated a claim of a confirmed donkey sighting in southern florida. This contradicts earlier reports of a donkey sighting on Long Island. We will keep you posted as this story develops.

Where is the donkey?? Long Island?



The last official statements from our carribean correspondant, Richard seems to point to the donkey's last known whereabouts as Long Island.
If you have any information that might lead to the recovery of the missing donkey,
please contact us immediately.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Podcast Loveliness



Lynn Parsons is a highly engaging radio DJ in the UK who can currently be heard on London's Smooth Radio doing the afternoon and weekend show. I was delighted to discover that Lynn featured Open Wide this week on her podcast Planet Parsons-Episode#95.
I highly suggest you give it a listen. There is something about her voice that is quite delicious.
The great thing about Planet Parsons is that it doesn't really require a lot of time. It's a bite-size helping, so to speak, but incredibly satisfying.

You must listen to what she says after playing the song. It made me blush.

Whilst directing you to Lynn's site, I should also mention these lovely folks who have been spinning my music this week on their podcasts. The first is another one of our friends from the UK. The last two are in german, so you might want to get a headphone splitter for your ipod and enjoy those two with your friend Gunter.

UK--
DaleCast-Episode #316
(Marlboro Man-Jefrodisiac's Italo Disco Mix)

DEUTSCHLAND--
Studio 3-Schwul Dabei-Episode Nackish
(Marlboro Man-Radio Edit)

Daily Pod mit Christoph Till-Episode #302
(Fishnet Sailor)

The Death of Customer Service

After a slow and agonizing battle with apathy and disgruntledness,
customer service was pronounced dead today at around 3:15 Eastern Standard Time.
Being a long time fan of customer service, I mourned the loss like many,
by asking to speak with customer service's supervisor.
The supervisor promised to call me back, but alas,
I have held my breath until a tinge of blue has enveloped my entire body.
Perhaps the supervisor also fell victim to a similar malady to that which cut short the life of customer service.
I would call back to confirm my suspicions, but I fear that the zombified corpse of customer service might answer the phone and pulverize my brains with a subsonic death rattle.

I have resigned myself to never special order anything ever again.
I have also asked jesus to give me the serinity to accept the fact that
my expectations should remain as low as a hooker's panties
following a night at the bingo parlor.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Climate Protester Attempts to Superglue himself to British Prime Minister


You really can't make this stuff up.
This is absolutely brilliant.
(read the story here)

In related news, I've been working on
a rough demo of "Duct Tape and Superglue"
I'm really happy with where it is going.
I will share when the time is right.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

R.I.P. Estelle Getty (1923-2008)



Let's have a moment of silence for my favorite "Golden Girl" who slipped away from us this morning.
She had been ill and suffering dementia for quite some time. I hope she is in a better place, at peace.
Thank you Estelle for the countless smiles and laughter you brought us all.

Garden Party 25

As previously posted, It was my pleasure to perform this year at Garden Party 25 here in NYC, the official kick-off to Gay Pride hosted by the hillarious and very gracious Kate Clinton.

You can see the smallest of snippets from Out At The Center, the television show for the LGBT Center here in NYC.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Yesterday


I made a big step yesterday and put down a deposit
to special order my new preamp.
It's a big chunk of money,
so hopefully the economy won't completely collapse just yet.
Now the hard part, waiting.
I'm not a very patient person by nature.

I added another item to the spreadsheet
detailing the plugins, microphones, pieces of equipment, new studio monitors, etc. that are going into the studio.
This one isn't as necessary as others, but rather exciting.

I use a program called reason to create beats, instrumental sounds, etc.
For Sunrise at the speakeasy we used two mellotron samples for Unplug and Mr. Carpentier, which I adore.

Propellerhead has just come out with an Abbey Road refill for reason, meaning additional samples for purchase which include keyboards, organs and yes mellotron. The instruments were recorded in Abbey Road studio with the equipment there. If you go to the instruments page and listen, you'll see why I'm so excited.

<check it out...especially the mellotron samples>

The song Yesterday by the Beatles was recorded in Abbey Road Studio.

After giving my life's savings to a music store, we met up with Carrie Thomas to eat nachos, drink and for her to give Konstantine the photos she took of him over the weekend. She got some really great shots. It was interesting to be there while she shot. K was nude half the time, with it all hanging out. My prudish midwestern upbringing made me feel that it was funny yet at the same time, he is so beautiful naked and it was just Carrie and didn't feel awkward at all. Over fourth of July weekend K and I ran naked through a soccerfield. We both felt so free. It's a good thing we didn't get arrested.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Temptation thy name is iphone


Much like the apple that tempted eve,
this little apple is another forbidden fruit,
a pandora's box if you ask me. Do I need the internet in my pocket? No one needs the internet in their pocket.
Oh so sleek. Must resist. Must be sensible and spend money on recording equipment.
I am buying a new preamp for the studio this week, afterall. Not as much fun as an iphone yet more expensive. ugh.

My phone is a $20 samsung brick off of ebay. It barely texts
and sometimes it just shuts off spontaneously.
so sad.I had a phone for a while where I had to shove a cuticle trimmer into it to turn it on and off. I referred to it as my phone tooI. I remember a stranger catching me in an ATM vestibule fighting with my phone, yelling at it and shoving the phone tool in and out of it. My reaction was to laugh hysterically further promoting a first impression that I might not be stable or sane. I feel like jesus wants me to have an iphone. My ipod now only plays music in one side...only one ear...and my phone spontaneously started shutting itslelf off 3 days before the launch of the new iphone. That has to be jesus, right?
Oh and I got a $30 gift certificate to apple for my birthday.... Jesus?

I can try to justify it all I want, but in my heart I know that I do not need an iphone.
I shall spend my money on rice, beans, bacon and recording equipment.
I must make sacrifices for the greater good. :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

...In 5 days

the howling,
the longing and yearning,
the elaborate sometimes successful attempts at escape,
the vagina tap dance
will end

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Magic Toilet
(speaks japanese, teaches lessons)


It's great to smile. A good laugh is good for the soul. I'm pleased to say this japanese video is not only informative but also will make you laugh so hard you'll crap your pants. Luckily there's a magical talking toilet, there to help you when you get that funny feeling.

I want cartoon animals to sing a happy theme song every time I go to the toilet from now on. That would rule.

Crazed Cat in Heat Terrorizes City



Unless you've been through it, You can't fully comprehend the absolute torment unleashed on the owner of a cat in heat.
After returning from the beach on Sunday we were greeted by our very loving cat, a little too loving. The sounds coming from her mouth slowly progressed from loving tender purrs to demon howls that conjured blood curdling visions of flesh being ripped off slowly in layers. She frantically began flopping all over the ground, rubbing up against everything and doing things to the fridge that once again will remain unspeakable. The meowing is incessant. The writhing is unstoppable. I've heard neighbors talking in the halls, obviously tormented by her shreakish screams. If they only knew.

The horrors that I have seen have turned my pasty skin a shade of white that would give a piece of laser copy paper a run for its money. The cat has an appointment to be fixed on July 20th, the earliest date we could get. I fear that I may go mad before then. I have brushed her until I can't brush her anymore. I have fed her, hoping it would silence her, but halfway through eating, she goes back to howling. She stands on the air conditioner looking longingly into the alley for some relieve to the raging storm in her vagina. There is no hope. She will destroy us all. There is no containing her lust for the flesh. Oh god, someone, please help us.

I have been working on a demo, though it is taking soooo long. unfortunately I can't make demon cat howling work in the guitar tracks. Once the storm has calmed, I will post something here. Until then, all I have to offer is this diagram showing the reproductive system of a female cat.

Apparently It's Madonna Week

Alright, I had to. Like a Prayer has come into the discussion, so here is Oh Father.
I think this is one of Madonna's most real heartfelt songs. Sometimes when I hear this it makes me cry.
We won't talk about why unless you have a degree in psychiatry, a comfortable couch and a lot of time on your hands.

And now a word from our sponsor

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