Full Throttle

I feel energized and pumped full of inspiration and innovation.
After performing on Saturday at the Lori Beechman theater, I just felt some kind of jolt to my system.
On Sunday, I picked up my guitar and played for hours...working on old songs, new songs, changing up the way I
Play some of them. I attacked the strings with controlled agression...well, is it still controlled agression if your fingers bleed?
I probably should have taped my cuticles before finger picking and strumming so vigorously.

All I can say is this. There are some amazing things happening in rehearsal. I feel a rennaisance as if I am playing songs for the first time...songs that had become somewhat routine. Be prepared, because I have entered musical bootcamp.
I will settle for nothing less than knocking your socks off.

My 2 new mottos, which I plan on taping to the wall above my desk

"Never settle for Good" "Exceed all expectations"

Over and out.

A trip to the Swanson-Lowry Bed and Breakfast

We drove up to Simon and Jason's country home on Friday for Easter. It is this beautiful 200 year old house nestled between a pond and a dairy farm in upstate New York. There is a fireplace, no cellphone service and a real sense of peace and quiet about the place. It's the perfect spot to drink wine, eat num nums and sleep much too late.

On Saturday we went to the market to buy groceries, wine and pick up a salmon which Jason was preparing to poach via the kindly influences of Martha Stewart using his newly purchased fish poacher. We made a visit to the pond to look at the fish, who gather near the edge hoping for crumbs as tadpoles wiggled around in the water. We watched a woodpecker brutalzing a tree.

We returned to the house and boiled eggs for coloring. The kit came with one of those wax pens and in an adorable display of affection, Simon, Jason, K and I all wrote sweet little love notes on eggs. "I love K" "Jason and Simon 4ever" "Robert is hot" "I love Jason"...if you need a little bag to vom in, let me know. When the eggs emerged from their little plastic dye buckets our secret love notes were revealed along with an egg on which I wrote "jesus is risen" with a little cross.

In the evening we were joined by Lauren, Linda and Kyle and had a Roast with green beans, Yorkshire pudding and my famous wasabi twice baked potatoes.

After a lovely dinner, we sat by the fire until the consumption of wine and brandy turned the kitchen into a disco party. There are photos. If not too embarrassing, perhaps I will share.

On Sunday I made bloody marys and observed and occasionally helped with the preparations for an exceedingly delectable brunch centered around a highly pampered fish cooked with much love and care. I did not want to leave for the city, wishing we had one more day in the country,but alas, all good things must come to an end. With food in our bellies and the warmth of holiday cheer in our corroded hearts, we piled into a car and returned to the urban jungle.

Thank you to Simon and Jason for inviting us into your home and providing the utmost hospitality.

The Rant gives the Swanson-Lowry Bed and Breakfast 5 out of 5 stars.

Holiday Tips and treats

Easter is upon us and whether you're a pagan or a christian there are plenty of fun ways to celebrate the holiday.
Here are three days and three ways to celebrate in style.

Day 1- Good Friday
Jesus Shaped Sugar Cookies with grape juice cocktail

As a part of your good friday religious service, these sugar cookies are a great alternative to traditional communion.
I recommend a basic sugar cookie recipe like this. I make my own cookie cutters which is a little bit of work, but worth the effort if you want that extra special touch.


Day 2- Microwave Peeps
The Sunday of Easter weekend is a time to be joyous and celebrate the resurrection. Saturday however, can be a bit of a downer. That lull between the crucifixition and the resurrection doesn't have to leave you down in the dumps. A microwave and a basket full of peeps are a surefire way to lift your spirits.

Day 3- The Obligatory Easter Egg Hunt



No Easter weekend would be complete without an Easter Egg hunt, but if you're a busy "working girl" like me, then you're gonna be tired by the time Sunday rolls around....what with all the cookie baking and peep-o-waving. Instead of going to all the toil and trouble of dying eggs for a traditional Easter Egg hunt, I recommend a much easier option.
Buy yourself the largest plastic eggs that you can. (the kind you put candy in) Head to the liquor store and get yourself some airplane sized bottles of booze. Stuff the booze in the eggs and hide them around the house. The hunt is on.

Have the best Easter celebration, and remember, Don't drink and Drive and only you can prevent a forest fire.

Myspace- a place for whores

There is no amount of coffee that could prepare me for this image burned into my retinas early in the morning courtesy of our "friends" over at myspace.
I have no problem with bimbos, whores or any of their slutty cousins named Cindy, Tammy, Melissa, etc. trolling the internet for that special friend.

...but come on! These girls need a few lessons in targeted marketing.
It's hard out there for a girl looking for love in all the wrong places and a full time job plastering pictures of your vajayjay in the inboxes of a thousand some odd myspace users. Why waste that honey pot on someone like me who really can't appreciate its splendorous caverns of delight? I'm not buying what you're selling sister, so please close the curtains and take that show to another town, cuz there will be no tent pitching three ring circus up in here.

Where are the male bimbos? The "mimbos"? Are they busy sending suggestive crotch shots to horrified lesbians?

Rambling

Friday was exciting with the news that my music video had climbed to #1 on Logo. How awesome it felt to be in the top spot on a national countdown. I reveled. Yes, I reveled as I should.

Lately for some reason I have become sort of obsessed with the song, Cherry Falls, a track that has not been officially recorded unless you count the lo-fi demos I've been concocting in my apartment. There is something about this song. I know that it will turn some people off by its graphic nature, but it is very real to me. It is something that I think needs to be heard whether it makes people squirm or not.

I've been distracted. We moved into a new apartment which seems to put my life on pause. We haven't even hung all the curtains. I can dance in my underwear in the living room, but perhaps I am giving people a show they don't want to see.
K and I have been dating for 10 months. Relationships must add to my body like the rings on a tree, showing its age by how bloated I feel. The comfort of love makes one more prone to lying around eating much too much shephard's pie. Laura has been studying pastry arts at culinary school. She has been creating these amazing things, but every time I see her, she gives me a plate, bowl, basket or tin filled with bleeched white flour demons. I consume them. I ly around. I kiss my sweet and add another ring to the tree.

My nephew was diagnosed with a rare chromosonal disorder and has started growth hormone treatments that the insurance will not cover despite the fact that they are necessary for his development and some semblance of a normal life. My sister called last night to let me know that her husband fell from 12 feet of scafolding, breaking his pelvis, requiring surgery.

I went to Karoke last night, one of my least favorite activities of all time. Graham Norton was there. how odd.

Well, I feel spring pecking at my window like an overly zealous bird. With it, I am feeling this renewed sense of purpose. I don' t want to say that I've been floundering, but rather I've been thinking a lot. I've been allowing the world around me to just kind of flow as it may. Now, I feel very determined to create, to kick the world in the butt....to kick myself in the butt.

I'm searching for a drummer and a cellist. I'm getting ready to dust off my yoga mat. I have a sudden craving to catch up on sleep and eat salmon in the countryside. This weekend is Easter. We are going upstate to Jason and Simon's house. I'm planning on dying eggs and hiding them around the property. I'm planning on drinking and sleeping more than I shoud.

#1 on Logo

YAY! It is with great excitement and a bit of delay that I announce some very wondeful news.

The music video for my song, Open Wide is #1 on Logo's Clicklist thanks to the voting of
fans, friends and random unknown supporters. Well, Whoever you are, Thank You. It is truely mindblowing to be #1 on a national television countdown. I've had #1's on the radio before, but this feels like much more of an accomplishment.

For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can go to Logo's website and view it.
while you're there, you can also vote for it.

:)

R

Beauty Diversion

Political Fear

I have never felt that the US political system was really designed for common people to have a say in elections, but rather was designed to give them the illusion of having a voice. Let's face it. We operate under a system designed by rich white men who wanted to protect their own self interest. Otherwise, we wouldn't have something called the Electoral College. There wouldn't be (it's a bird. It's a plane. It's...) superdelegates.

Is our country great in many ways? No doubt.

Is it better than many countries in terms of freedom and liberty? Of course, though I would say that it has slipped a bit since 2000. The patriot act, the botched Bush Gore Election, the war in Iraq over Weapons of Mass Destruction that never existed in the first place, unconstitutional searches, federally sanctioned warrantless wiretaps, CIA torture in Cuba... I could go on and on until your eyes glaze and you shut off.

I think my eyes glazed over a long time ago. When did things go so terribly wrong??

So a bi-racial "black" man came along preaching hope and talking about gay rights not just in whispered tones at gay events but in black churches. Of course I was more than a little excited by this. He spoke of change, hope, tax breaks for the poor and college tuition credits. He talked about ending the war in Iraq and spending the wasted money on bridges, schools and the creation of jobs. Some people thought it to be naive. I thought it revolutionary. He talked of changing Washington and the death grip held by lobbyists on our democratic process. Most of all, he backed his up by not taking their money and campaigning with funds from small donations given by regular people. I even gave him $20. In the grand scheme, it's not a lot, but it filled me with pride.

Now something strange is happening that transcends my optimistic belief in hope. It is a churning of acid in my stomach that is eating away at the lining and threatening to rise in my chest like fire. It is the forest I see and not the trees. This ongoing battle between Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton is dividing the voters who would put a democrat in office. The democrats need to rally behind one candidate but unfortunately they can't decide who that is. I fear that when they do, it will be too late and to the victor will go the spoils of a sour victory.

The danger in Hillary winning is that supporters of Barrack are part of a movement. It is a ferver, a fever, an ideology. If she crushes that, she disenfranchises a large group of people many of whom normally do not even vote. Somehow Obama struck a chord with them, a chord I don't feel Clinton is capable of capturing.

If Obama wins the nomination, I fear that he will be so damaged by negative campaigning and a prolongued nomination process, that he will have lost much of his momentum and the message of his campaign.

No matter the outcome of this process, my biggest fear is a crack I see forming and growing, splitting right down the middle of the party. A divided party is falling apart at a time when it needs to unite for the greater good. I fear that the division will only grow. I fear that we are lost. What do I know? I'm only a musician.

Paula Abdul

OK Kids, I have a confession to make.
I'm not proud nor am I ashamed of this admission, but I have something to get off my chest.

The first concert that I ever saw was Paula Abdul in Bonner Springs Kansas with opening act Color me Badd.
OK, I have a second confession. I really enjoyed it and thought it was super awesome.
OK...I was 13 years old and it was during that phase where I wore overalls with one strap hanging down and a neon colored shirt underneath. I also had that haircut where it looked like somone put a bowl on my head and cut everything that wasn't underneath the bowl. The bowl haircut? Is that what it's called?

I remember hearing the song Rush Rush on the radio and saying, Oh my god, I have to get that. I purchased a cassette single and strolled around with my walkman listening to the song over and over and over and over again. Obsessive Compulsive? Maybe. Pure joy to my little 13 year old ears, absolutely.

So, why am I suddenly sharing this confession? Well, I got a letter a couple of weeks ago. I must admit that I read every letter that I receive but am not very good at responding. Part of this is my horrific handwriting, but I know that's not the best excuse.

So, Ricky, there is no shame in being all about that new Paula Abdul single. Though many think she is washed up, there was a time when she danced her ass off and dominated the pop charts.

So, in honor of my secret love, I'm going to share a few Paula Abdul video clips...just because.

First, a video that really showcased Paula Abdul's dancing ability, Cold Hearted Snake. Remember Paula did choreography for videos for eveyone from Janet Jackson to ZZ Top. This video was a tribute to Bob Fossey. Yes. I know more about Paula Abdul than I should.


Of Course Rush Rush because it is Paula's tribute to Rebel Without a Cause, obviously.


And.....just because this footage really cracked me up...

The New and Improved Laptop

As apple unveils the world's thinest laptops,
3 people lug massive old desktop computers into starbucks.
This put a smile on my face.

Check it out on Improveeverywhere's website.

Jesus Christ!

Photo by Carrie Thomas
Today, The Unplug Single became available for purchase on itunes in the Christian and Gospel category.

Yes, you read that right, Christian and Gospel. Now, I've never been one for categorizing music, but this is just funny. At first I thought this was cute and then I came to the realization that I say shit and have a vocal intro where I talk about sticking a rocket up a crash dummy's ass on this new single. Sorry if I gave something away for you folks who have yet to purchase it.

Oh yeah, you can

go to itunes and purchase it.

I'm expecting an angry group of jesus loving bible throwers to show up on my doorstep at any moment.

I suppose it's best if I barricaded the door and ly low for a while.

Wigs for Cats, a passing craze or the wave of the future?

By all means, Discuss.

Photo by Jill Johnson. Model: Chicken

If you really want to pamper your pussy, head on over to Kitty Wigs! website.

Satan Was a Lesbian

This week's selection for the Rant Book Club is a modern classic, very close to my heart.
Before Fred Haley's gripping tale of perversion hit the shelves, it was a long standing belief
that satan was a straight man. If you are like me, you will find this book not only captivating but also quite educational.
I dare you to resist the temptation of Satan Was a Lesbian. Run, don't walk to your local book store and enrich your mind with the splendors of literature.

I prefer the original unabridged edition to the abridged version released earlier this year with a forward written by Mike Huckabee, but either version is sure to be a shining treasure in your home library.

It's Jackie Stallone...Yeah

Though I generally don't like reality TV, these clips of Jackie Stallone from UK's Big Brother are precious.
Have some botox and enjoy

I've got my slip-and-fall-lawsuit shoes on and I'm gonna polish them before I walk to the train. Maybe there will be some magic tonight.

Quest of Life

Big Thanks to Steve Sims and Harry Faddis, hosts of the radio program
Quest of Life out of Troy, New York on WRPI 91.5 FM.

Both Mr. Carpentier and Unplug were on their playlist for today.

You can catch their show on Fridays from 12-2pm EST or online at
WRPI's website.

Lotsa Love

RG

Robert Recommends: Adam Zyglis

I absolutely adore the political cartoons of Adam Zyglis.

Check out his work

www.adamzyglis.com
The Buffalo News Website

Marijuana Girl

Here at the Rant we like to encourage an environment of culture and learning.
One of the best way to broaden your horizons is through the wonders of literature.
We can't read everything, but we do search high and often low for those literary
gems that might otherwise collect dust on the shelves of your local library.

This week's selection is Marijuana Girl, a gripping tale of teenage lust for the whole family. After you've read marijuana girl, join the discussion here on the Rant. We'd love to hear all of your own stories of sex, drugs and teenage debauchery. There's a little bit of marijuana girl in each of us.

If you happen to have trouble getting your hands on Marijuana girl, at your local library, don't hesitate to speak with the librarian on duty. She or he may be able to type the title into a computer database to find another location with Marijuana Girl that participates in the interlibrary loan program. The beauty of the national library system is indeed boundless. It is one of our national treasures.

Remember to always keep your library card up to date. This is your key to a world of unspeakable splendor.

Anonymous Letter

So I have this "friend"
and she or he wanted me to post this note.
I don't have all the answers, so maybe you can help her or him?

Dear Robert,

Last night my boyfriend and I started getting it on while John McCain was giving a victory speech over NPR in the background. We are both very liberal democrats, so after we climaxed, I felt this sudden feeling of shame.
Is it OK to make love to the rhythm of John McCain's old warbly voice?

Please help me.

Sincerely

"Confused in Cleveland"

Paralyzed & Brainwashed

I feel paralyzed. I think I have for some time.
I know it's a combination of things, but I can't put my finger on it.

I know I felt weird and detached about finishing Sirens of Brooklyn but now I'm having second thoughts about Sunrise at the Speakeasy. Is it done? Will it be ripped apart and crucified?

A part of me doesn't care. Apathy. I think that's what they call it.

Something happened at the end of the summer. A part of me snapped. After three years of not smoking, I suddenly started puffing away at that familiar cancer stick. They're like Potato chips. You can't have just one. Something was different this time. I didn't feel guilt or failure for smoking. I just accepted it and secretly reveled in some sort of pre-30's rebellion. Yes, I'm approaching the end of my 20's. It's all slowing down and sagging...or it will anyway. Have I hit that point where I've stopped growing and started shrinking?...where the hair on my head starts migrating to undesirable locations just to taunt me? When do I need to start monitoring my fiber intake?

Last night K and I watched public television. It was a show on how by a bizarre set of circumstance, the mummy of Pharaoh Ramses I. ended up in a house of oddities in Niagara Falls. I want to visit Egypt. It struck me as rather disrespectful and morbid though that these mummified remains are on display in glass cases for tourists. How is this any different from going to the cemetery and digging up the grave of let's say Heath Ledger to put on display at Planet Hollywood? ew. Well, I guess after a few thousand years, you cease to be a person and become a relic of curiousity. What is the cutoff? How long does a person have to be burried before they can be put on display?

After Mummy TV, we turned on NPR to hear election results. I'm glad Obama is doing so well. Most of the people I know are all pro-Hillary and want to beat me or tell me I'm brainwashed for supporting Obama. I don't want to start a huge string of political discussions, but I will just say a few points.

-It's time for a change. I don't believe in Dynastic rule and after 2 Bushes and 1 Clinton, it's time to let the other kiddies play with the ball.

-I can't support anyone who voted for the Iraq war, one of the reasons our country is in such a nosedive. We've let schools, bridges, roads and the economy turn to crap so that we can blow up half of iraq, a country that still has not been proven to have any connection whatsoever to the attacks on 9-11.

-Final point... Two of the worst pieces of legislation that set back civil rights for gays were signed by Bill Clinton...Dont ask Don't Tell and DOMA. Bill Clinton heavily courted the gay vote and then did not follow through on his promises. Hillary Clinton is heavily courting the gay vote and I fully believe that she will follow the same path as her husband.

ok...sigh...calming down.

In other news, I quit smoking. It is 10 days since my last cigarette.
I feel out of sorts a bit, but calm. I'm trying to breathe, but it's hard when you're both paralyzed and brainwashed.